"Old Age is No Place for Sissies." Bette Davis

My knee aches this morning. When I sit too long at my desk answering e-mails, my knee gets very stiff. I get up to walk around and I look like I am doing Walter Brennan impersonations in “Wagon Train.”

My primary doctor told me that I have osteoarthritis in both knees but my right is the worst. I’ve had 2 arthroscopic surgeries to clean out torn meniscus and cartilage. At this point I really don’t have much cushion in their; its mostly bone on bone. The most recent MRI taken of my knee looks like a small cave with stalactites and stalagmites winding through a dark canal. I’ve tried the chicken peaks and other parts that everyone raves about. You know the stuff they inject into knees to create some gelatinous cushion between the knee bones. I tried two series of injections and sadly, neither worked. Chicken beaks are not for me! Frankly, I thought the whole idea was kind of drug company voodoo disguised as therapy. About $800 worth of voodoo to be exact.

My prognosis? A knee replacement sooner vs. later. My doctor has told me repeatedly to lose some weight and that would help take the pressure off my knees. I am trying. Lord, I am trying. Exercise also helps. I am trying to do that more too.

Unfortunately, the same doctor who tells me every year to go on diet, has raised his white flag in his own battle with the lbs. He tried dieting and exercise. It didn’t work. Last year, he had a gastric bypass procedure. He looks great and lost about 70 lbs. That hasn’t stopped him from lecturing me. His unexpected surrender to the knife doesn’t help my self-confidence in my battle against the mid-drift bulge if you know what I mean.

I was about 49 when my body started emanating weird creaking noises and I woke up with various aches and pains. Some mornings after a lot of physical exertion, I would feel like I just finished 5 rounds with Joe Frazier! Although, I am confident he has more arthritis and bruised grey matter than I do!

Anyways I thought I would offer some tips to all those pre-baby boomers who will be joining the “Eating Ibuprofen” set sooner than they know.

Begin now to train your nose hairs. As everything else breaks down or slowly creeps to a halt, your nose hairs become loud and pronounced. For some, you have the added bonus of your ear hairs finding their inner voice. They can become part of facial duet that tries to take over your head. I haven’t discussed the eyebrows. At times they can add their own special harmony.

I suggest weed whacking those pesky follicles three or four times a week!

Drink lots of red wine. This is my antidote for practically everything. I have become convinced that red wine hydrates, fights cancer and heart disease and insulates your joints from further damage. I actually believe it inhibits the growth of nose hair.

Sleep whenever you can. I am particularly good at sleeping through office meetings now. Too often I am put in semi-darken rooms for those dreaded PowerPoint presentations. This is a great time to have a short kip. Don’t snore though.

Don’t eat white things. This applies to white bread, rice and ice cream. These tend to be empty carbs that do havoc to your triglyceride counts. Although I don’t believe it applies to the foam on a pint of Guinness.

Exercise as often as possible. We all know that. Recently a 46 year-old male dropped dead after running a half marathon in my hometown. Maybe we should exercise when it only feels good.

Eat plenty of seafood. I’m not talking about the filet of fish sandwiches at Mickey Ds. I love anything from the sea-oysters, monkfish, sea urchin, squid, etc. If it swims faster than me, is smaller than me and spends most of its time in the water, then its what’s for dinner!

And finally, go the bathroom as often as you can. It seems I am spending a lot more time there. You it wisely. I am half way through Gravity’s Rainbow just by wisely using my various visits to that special place.

I hope my brief primer on preparing for growing older is helpful. Oh, your short-term memory also starts to erode. I hope my brief primer on preparing for growing older is helpful.

Growing older is a bitch! But considering the alternative, I’ll take it.