Fatboy Tom’s Rules for the Holiday Season

Yes, Fatboy Tom has rules. I know that may surprise many of you. Well, they are not really rules, but more like guidelines to ensure we have a proper holiday season. Bill Murray perfected the difference between rules and guidelines in the movie “Ghostbusters.” In a particular scene, Sigourney Weaver apparently consumed by an evil spirit from the nether regions confronted him. She grabbed Bill and threw in him on her bed. Bill responded by saying, “I have a general rule not to get intimately involved with demons and possessed women.” Sigourney proceeded to lick his ear. Bill said, “Well its not really a rule, its more like a guideline.” I hope that clarifies the difference.

Here are my rules (guidelines).

Always serve inexpensive sparkling wine. You can leave one very pricey bottle of real French champagne out to impress your guests. Whatever you serve, it should be cheap. Most folks drink to excess at holiday gatherings and they eat rich food. Heat burn and hangovers are caused by gluttony and not by the price of your sparkling wine. Your friends and other guests really will not notice the difference particularly after the second bottle is opened. Or the third...fourth…fifth

Regifting should be a holiday tradition. In fact, it is good thing all year round. Why hold onto the gifts that you really will not use. A few years ago someone gave me footbath. Now please tell me who gives someone a footbath for a holiday gift? That’s like giving someone autographed Tuck Pads. This thing had movable parts and a little engine that you plugged into a wall. Water, electricity and Epsom salts don’t mix. I particularly think this is a wonderful regifting idea for one of your Republican friends.

If a portion of your Christmas tree lights fail to work, throw them away! Don't take the time to try to repair them. Attempting to fix holiday lights is worse than waterboarding. I think waterboarding is probably less painful. One Christmas my brother-in-law and I tried to fix a couple of strings of lights and I extimate that it took about 6 hours. After the cussing, yelling and broken fingernails, I believe we dedicated about $300 of man hours to salvage 2 strings worth about $5!

No Christmas decorations are permitted before Thanksgiving. And all decoration should come down one week after New Years. Ok. two weeks maybe but no longer! This is one of my most important holiday guidelines.

This is a pet peeve. Some folks put decorations up much too early. Can we really expect the little pilgrims and pumpkins to stand up to those inflatable Christmas decorations that take over a front lawn?

All Christmas decorations and I mean all decorations should be taken down by the second week in January. Unless you are Coptic or follow the Jewish calendar, there is no excuse for keeping your Christmas decorations up until the spring thaw! Wreaths, lights, and styro-foam reindeer should all disappear.

Frankly, I don’t want to spend my gloomy, grey Januarys and Februarys being reminded of the cheerfulness of Christmas.

Packing on a few extras lbs. during the holidays was originally inserted into the Bill of Rights by a rotund delegate from Delaware. Unfortunately, this amendment did not remain in the final document. He didn’t either.

I really hate waking up in the morning and watching some talking head on TV who weighs less than Nicole Ritchie, offering tips on how to avoid putting on weight during the holidays. Frankly, I prefer Paula Dean on the Food Network who prepares her holiday chicken tenders by first marinating chicken breasts in melted butter. The founding father from Delaware would have been proud of her!

Do not go out and celebrate the New Years. This is a stupid holiday. I still remember babysitting my grandmother so my parents could go out for the evening. We would watch Guy Lombardo or Lawrence Welk bring in the New Year. Grandma would make potato pancakes and eat most of them before I had a chance to have any. I was too busy getting sick drinking too many mint flavored ginger ales with scoops of vanilla ice cream.

As I got older, I would later use the New Year’s Eve as an excuse to get really drunk and have an awful hangover the next day. I remember not feeling good on New Year’ Days until Keith Jackson invited me to join him for the Granddaddy of them all.

And I still have one of the most important rules (guidelines) for the holiday season. I give you permission to be disappointed with the whole thing. The holiday season never lives up to anyone expectations, not even for Ralphie Parker. It’s just too much, too fast, and with too many complicated emotions thrown into the mix to make it anything but less than perfect.

I still enjoy it though, I am a sucker for nostalgia, family, eating to excess and inflatable Santas that talk! Happy holidays everyone. Just take down those damn Christmas lights by Jan. 15th or I will.