Fatboy Tom's Predictions for the New Year

1. Mary Cheney announces that her new baby’s father is Don Rumsfield!
2. Mel Gibson and Michael Richards join up for a new buddy series on Fox called, “Lethal Mouth.”
3. Judith Regan and O.J. Simpson announce their engagement with a small wedding planned in the back of a 1992 Ford Bronco.
4. Michael Crichton quits putting out script shells for throwaway movies and actually writes a novel.
5. Satan exists! He is living in Colorado Springs and works part-time as a certified massage therapist.
6. Medical researchers report that red wine causes intoxication when ingested in significant amounts.
7. Dick Cheney doesn’t shoot anyone.
8. John McCain announces a plan to break the impasse in the US Senate by adding 10 new members representing the various provinces in Iraq.
9. Lindsay Lohan quits going to AA admitting it was bad for her career.
10. Al Roker actually gives a weather report on the Today Show.
11. Tivo asks for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Protection. The company admits that it-cannot find anything on television worth recording for future viewing.
12. The New Republic hires its first writer that is of legal drinking age.
13. The Blind Boys of Alabama admit that they really are not blind or from Alabama. They just like sunglasses and grew up in Calgary, Alberta.
14. Medical researchers discover that short people want to be taller and taller people are very happy that they are not short.
15. The NBA announces a crack-down on team-centered basketball to ensure fans get to see the fights, missed foul shots and tantrums they have come to expect.
16. Chris Matthews tells his viewers that he likes George Bush but has misgivings over the President’s plans for Iraq.
17. Mark Foley joins Fox News as a political commentator in an effort to appeal to pedophiliacs and people who live in Florida.
18. Thomas Pychon finally reveals that his novels are so long because his publisher pays him by the page.
19. After much family squabbling, Franklin Graham decides to bury his father and mother in Grant’s Tomb.
20. Researchers report that internet bloggers fall into very predictable patterns and create lists when they have nothing else to write about.