Triumph, the Insult Dog understands the cynical and opportunistic qualities so apparent in the way we spin, dodge, or obfuscate our way to electing individuals completely unqualified to lead this country. Talking heads (Washington Pundits) are about access, career advantage and getting on the phone with Don Imus. Many have lost their way. They spent the first six years of the Bush presidency never seriously questioning Bush's foreign and domestic policy failures. Now that GW is disliked as much as Osama Bin Laden, the talking heads have turned against him. Uh, if it wasn't for conventional wisdom within the beltway, there would be very little wisdom at all.

Tom Friedman, your attempts at creating middle brow arguments are tiresome! In a 2003 column, you wrote, "The real reason for this war, which was never stated, was that after 9/11 America needed to hit someone in the Arab-Muslim world. Afghanistan wasn't enough because a terrorism bubble had built up over there — a bubble that posed a real threat to the open societies of the West and needed to be punctured....But we hit Saddam for one simple reason: because we could, and because he deserved it and because he was right in the heart of that world." In his NYT column in Nov. 2006, Friedman exhorted, "This [Iraq} has left us with two impossible choices. If we’re not ready to do what is necessary to crush the dark forces in Iraq and properly rebuild it, then we need to leave — because to just keep stumbling along as we have been makes no sense. It will only mean throwing more good lives after good lives into a deeper and deeper hole filled with more and more broken pieces." Tom, you are the master of equivocation!

Andrea Mitchell, you lied about Joe Wilson! In Oct 2003, Ms. Mitchell said it was "widely known" amongst the journalists on her beat that Joe Wilson's wife was at the CIA; in Oct 2005, she said she had spoken to the FBI about some part of her involvement in the story; and in Nov 2005, she denied both the advance knowledge about Wilson's wife and her cooperation with the investigation. Poor Andrea...you want to appear that you have inside information and then you don't; particularly when the Special Prosecutor may ask you some questions.

Tim Russert can't sell enough books! Too bad you only have one dad.

Bob Woodward, which way is the wind blowing? You deified Bush in your first two love fests and in your most recent comic book you turn against GW. Woodward quote's Bush in his second lovefest, "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." In his most recent book Woodward has changed his tune. He now sees Mr. Bush as a president who lives in a state of willful denial about the worsening situation in Iraq, a president who insists he won’t withdraw troops, even “if Laura and Barney are the only ones who support me.”

Joe Klein, you will never understand why the blogosphere doesn't trust you!

Where were you when the neo-cons presented their spurious evidence for invading Iraq? You failed us miserably. By the way, have a great New Year. Can you ever wash your hands of the blood spent in Iraq?

Even though this is an oldie but goodie, Triumph's analysis is timeless. Go to: http://www.devilducky.com/media/21318/

Fatboy Tom's Predictions for the New Year

1. Mary Cheney announces that her new baby’s father is Don Rumsfield!
2. Mel Gibson and Michael Richards join up for a new buddy series on Fox called, “Lethal Mouth.”
3. Judith Regan and O.J. Simpson announce their engagement with a small wedding planned in the back of a 1992 Ford Bronco.
4. Michael Crichton quits putting out script shells for throwaway movies and actually writes a novel.
5. Satan exists! He is living in Colorado Springs and works part-time as a certified massage therapist.
6. Medical researchers report that red wine causes intoxication when ingested in significant amounts.
7. Dick Cheney doesn’t shoot anyone.
8. John McCain announces a plan to break the impasse in the US Senate by adding 10 new members representing the various provinces in Iraq.
9. Lindsay Lohan quits going to AA admitting it was bad for her career.
10. Al Roker actually gives a weather report on the Today Show.
11. Tivo asks for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Protection. The company admits that it-cannot find anything on television worth recording for future viewing.
12. The New Republic hires its first writer that is of legal drinking age.
13. The Blind Boys of Alabama admit that they really are not blind or from Alabama. They just like sunglasses and grew up in Calgary, Alberta.
14. Medical researchers discover that short people want to be taller and taller people are very happy that they are not short.
15. The NBA announces a crack-down on team-centered basketball to ensure fans get to see the fights, missed foul shots and tantrums they have come to expect.
16. Chris Matthews tells his viewers that he likes George Bush but has misgivings over the President’s plans for Iraq.
17. Mark Foley joins Fox News as a political commentator in an effort to appeal to pedophiliacs and people who live in Florida.
18. Thomas Pychon finally reveals that his novels are so long because his publisher pays him by the page.
19. After much family squabbling, Franklin Graham decides to bury his father and mother in Grant’s Tomb.
20. Researchers report that internet bloggers fall into very predictable patterns and create lists when they have nothing else to write about.

Fatboy Tom’s Rules for the Holiday Season

Yes, Fatboy Tom has rules. I know that may surprise many of you. Well, they are not really rules, but more like guidelines to ensure we have a proper holiday season. Bill Murray perfected the difference between rules and guidelines in the movie “Ghostbusters.” In a particular scene, Sigourney Weaver apparently consumed by an evil spirit from the nether regions confronted him. She grabbed Bill and threw in him on her bed. Bill responded by saying, “I have a general rule not to get intimately involved with demons and possessed women.” Sigourney proceeded to lick his ear. Bill said, “Well its not really a rule, its more like a guideline.” I hope that clarifies the difference.

Here are my rules (guidelines).

Always serve inexpensive sparkling wine. You can leave one very pricey bottle of real French champagne out to impress your guests. Whatever you serve, it should be cheap. Most folks drink to excess at holiday gatherings and they eat rich food. Heat burn and hangovers are caused by gluttony and not by the price of your sparkling wine. Your friends and other guests really will not notice the difference particularly after the second bottle is opened. Or the third...fourth…fifth

Regifting should be a holiday tradition. In fact, it is good thing all year round. Why hold onto the gifts that you really will not use. A few years ago someone gave me footbath. Now please tell me who gives someone a footbath for a holiday gift? That’s like giving someone autographed Tuck Pads. This thing had movable parts and a little engine that you plugged into a wall. Water, electricity and Epsom salts don’t mix. I particularly think this is a wonderful regifting idea for one of your Republican friends.

If a portion of your Christmas tree lights fail to work, throw them away! Don't take the time to try to repair them. Attempting to fix holiday lights is worse than waterboarding. I think waterboarding is probably less painful. One Christmas my brother-in-law and I tried to fix a couple of strings of lights and I extimate that it took about 6 hours. After the cussing, yelling and broken fingernails, I believe we dedicated about $300 of man hours to salvage 2 strings worth about $5!

No Christmas decorations are permitted before Thanksgiving. And all decoration should come down one week after New Years. Ok. two weeks maybe but no longer! This is one of my most important holiday guidelines.

This is a pet peeve. Some folks put decorations up much too early. Can we really expect the little pilgrims and pumpkins to stand up to those inflatable Christmas decorations that take over a front lawn?

All Christmas decorations and I mean all decorations should be taken down by the second week in January. Unless you are Coptic or follow the Jewish calendar, there is no excuse for keeping your Christmas decorations up until the spring thaw! Wreaths, lights, and styro-foam reindeer should all disappear.

Frankly, I don’t want to spend my gloomy, grey Januarys and Februarys being reminded of the cheerfulness of Christmas.

Packing on a few extras lbs. during the holidays was originally inserted into the Bill of Rights by a rotund delegate from Delaware. Unfortunately, this amendment did not remain in the final document. He didn’t either.

I really hate waking up in the morning and watching some talking head on TV who weighs less than Nicole Ritchie, offering tips on how to avoid putting on weight during the holidays. Frankly, I prefer Paula Dean on the Food Network who prepares her holiday chicken tenders by first marinating chicken breasts in melted butter. The founding father from Delaware would have been proud of her!

Do not go out and celebrate the New Years. This is a stupid holiday. I still remember babysitting my grandmother so my parents could go out for the evening. We would watch Guy Lombardo or Lawrence Welk bring in the New Year. Grandma would make potato pancakes and eat most of them before I had a chance to have any. I was too busy getting sick drinking too many mint flavored ginger ales with scoops of vanilla ice cream.

As I got older, I would later use the New Year’s Eve as an excuse to get really drunk and have an awful hangover the next day. I remember not feeling good on New Year’ Days until Keith Jackson invited me to join him for the Granddaddy of them all.

And I still have one of the most important rules (guidelines) for the holiday season. I give you permission to be disappointed with the whole thing. The holiday season never lives up to anyone expectations, not even for Ralphie Parker. It’s just too much, too fast, and with too many complicated emotions thrown into the mix to make it anything but less than perfect.

I still enjoy it though, I am a sucker for nostalgia, family, eating to excess and inflatable Santas that talk! Happy holidays everyone. Just take down those damn Christmas lights by Jan. 15th or I will.

Crazies Today...Geniuses Tomorrow!

I've been struggling to come up with a topic for a missive. Because the news in Iraq is so bad, the midterm election season is over, and everyone is hunkering down for the holidays, I've had a mental block for a few weeks. However, if you give some of the crazies in this wonderful country a voice, you will soon have something to write about. I just saw this headline in a recent political blog, “A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals.”

Mr. Anti-Soy, Jim Rutz, wrote, “Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products.”

I am still scratching my head over this one. Mr. Rutz’s contention is that soy products, particularly fed to our children, may be the cause of small penises and homosexuality. All this time I thought repressed and unloving mothers caused small penises. And too many impressionable kids watching Pee-wee’s Playhouse caused homosexuality. Now I know why after having some tofu at a Chinese Restaurant I have an urge to scurry home and rearrange living room furniture!

You know it had to happen sooner or later. Mr. Rutz and his followers had to find a reason for Teddy Haggard’s sinful behavior. It may be Satan. Most likely it is tofu! Chinese restaurant buffets and soymilk in the morning coffee overwhelm burly heterosexual males with too much estrogen! The result? Too many males confused about their sexual orientation. He also contends that soy products cause increases in breast cancer, decreases in fertility and belated male puberty.

I am sure the next logical step in Mr. Rutz’s ever evolving view of the world is to find the cause of liberal thinking. It’s obvious that soy products help muddle the brain. I have been called a metro sexual in the recent past. I guess to protect myself from the feminizing influences of soy, I should stock up on dairy and trans fats! I may not be welcome in NYC. That’s OK with me. New York is the capital of wimpy men with small penises.

I wonder how much tofu is in Rudy Giuliani’s diet?