The Swiftboating of Johannes Kepler

A Recent Program on a Reputable Cable News Station:

TV Talking Heads Show Host: “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. There continues to be a great deal of controversy about Al Gore’s Nobel Peace Prize. To ensure fair and balanced coverage of this recent announcement and implications for public policy in this country and the world, we have invited 2 experts to come to the studio to discuss the fallout from the recent Nobel Prize announcement. Is global warming real? And will Al Gore’s new celebrity help advance the cause to combat global warming?

We are fortunate to have Dr. Johannes Kepler, a well-regarded astronomer and mathematician, is recognized for first advancing the theory that all planets including the earth moved in an elliptical orbit around the sun. His mathematical computations were a major scientific breakthrough in the 17th century. His theory changed science and astronomy forever.

And to make sure we cow tow to the right wing nut cases in this country under the pretense of being fair and balanced, we also have on our show, Dwayne Fuchs, a lifelong Republican, a state representative from Salinas County, Kansas, and a co-chair of the Brownback for President Committee. Mr. Fuchs refutes Al Gore’s assertions that global warming is man made and doesn’t believe the earth rotates around the sun.”

Dr. Kepler: “Thank you, Mr. Talking Head. I am really not a climatologist and have been dead for over 400 hundred years. Nevertheless, I do believe in the scientific method and reject superstitious beliefs. Therefore, when there is scientific evidence that is substantial and there is a established consensus among almost all scientists that global warming is real and a danger to our world, I believe we should be concerned.”

Mr. Fuchs: “This is another example of the moveon.org’s and secular humanists’ efforts to undermine the American way of life. Everyone knows life started in the first chapter of Genesis and the earth is only 6,000 years old. I know many authors that I can cite on the World Wide Web who believe the earth is flat and the sun is stationary in the sky.”

TV Talking Head: “Mr. Fuchs makes a good point there Dr. Kepler. He has his experts and you have yours. Which set of experts can the American people trust?”

Dr. Kepler: “I am not familiar with the experts Mr. Fuch’s references. Remember, I am dead and don’t know anything about the World Wide Web. Is that a new institute in Vienna?”

Mr. Fuchs: “Once again we have a European telling us Kansans what to believe and what not to believe. The American people know God. They don’t what Europeans or other foreigners telling us their crazy theories about gravity, the earth is round or car exhaust is melting glaciers in Switzerland.”

TV Talking Head: “Once again, Mr. Fuchs makes a good point Dr. Kepler. Isn’t this effort by Al Gore and the UN to combat global warming a way to erode USA sovereignty and a slippery slope to a one world government?”

Dr. Kepler: “I am not familiar with this UN or a one world government. I lived in Styria under the influence of the Bundesländer of Austria. I thought I was asked to appear today to provide my support for good science and why we need to support advances in scientific discovery. I lived in an era where people were governed by fear, their prosaic religious beliefs and superstition. Astrology was often confused with astronomy. In my small way, I helped to show that science and math could help us learn much more our world and the solar system. I believe Mr. Gore is trying to do the same thing.”

Mr. Fuchs: “Once again, Kepler is belittling my religious beliefs and the beliefs of many other God-fearing Americans. If he is the kind of person who supports Al Gore, then we are really in trouble. My beliefs are just as valid as his. After all didn’t you, Mr. TV Talking Head, invite me on this program to provide a fair and balance debate?”

TV Talking Head: “That’s right Mr. Fuchs, on this network we try to make sure that both points-of-view are properly represented. I am not in a position to judge which opinion is more valid than the other. Do you have any closing comments Dr. Kepler?”

Dr. Kepler: “Not really. I’ve been dead for four hundred years and my throat is a little dry. Do have any wine to drink?”

Mr. Fuchs: “Kepler keeps avoiding the issue. When he is on the hot seat he apparently needs alcohol. He knows and we all know George Soros and his fellow travelers are behind this global warming scam. I am introducing legislation in the Kansas House tomorrow morning to deny visas to any Swedish citizen who tries to visit this country. If they want to welcome Al Gore to their country, by God we don’t have to let any of them into our country.”

TV Talking Head: “Thank you, Mr. Fuchs and Dr. Kepler for visiting with us today. I think we have shed some important light on this very controversial topic.”

Dr. Kepler: “What? No wine? You only have water? We don’t think water, it carries bad bile. Don’t you have some hard cider or beer? I am very thirsty.”