Why We Fight!

Our champion of Iraqi democracy, Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, declared last Saturday that Iraqi forces are ready to secure his country. American troops can begin to withdraw. “We say with confidence that we are capable, God willing, of taking full responsibility for the security file if the international forces withdraw in any time they wish,” Mr. Maliki said.

Mr. Maliki has offered many other interesting predictions over the past few months. Just a week ago he declared that the British could turn over Southern Iraq and Basra to the Iraqi Security Forces. All British bases in Basra came under mortar fire over the past day -- a frequent occurrence in the city -- the British military said Wednesday. No casualties or damage were recorded.

In November 2006, Prime Minister Maliki declared "I cannot answer on behalf of the U.S. administration but I can tell you that from our side our forces will be ready by June 2007." He again made the same statements in July 2006. Foreign troops could leave within months.

Apparently, Mr. Maliki is a master prognosticator. He has an uncanny ability to foretell the future events regardless of how few of his predictions are grounded in reality. Last year, the Iraqi Defense Forces declared that it had 10 functioning and equipped battle ready battalions. This year, there are less than 6 due to desertion and the expunging of Shiite militia members. Over the past two years, 11,000 Shiite militia members had to be purged from the Iraqi Army and Police.

Perhaps Mr. Maliki knows more than other mortals. Let’s take a look at some of his other recent predictions to get a better sense of his supernatural abilities.

In commenting on the future prospects of Brittany Spears' and Kevin Federline’s marriage, Mr. Maliki offered this assessment. “God willing, Brittany and Kevin will find happiness, live a long life together, and spawn many offspring.”

He also knew that Senator David Vitter’s marriage would be much stronger once he asked God for forgiveness. “Senator Vitter is now in God’s hands. He will return to his wife and children more God-fearing, no longer seeking the affection of harlots or garments of babies.”

Prime Minister Maliki is something of an American baseball fan. “Barry Bonds is an instrument of God. He will smote the ball of vengeance out of the market more times than Mr. Aaron.”

On his predictions for the Republican Presidential race, Mr. Maliki said this, “Mohammed has told all true believers to have many wives. God willing, Mr. Romney will follow the example set by the other pious candidates and embrace his religious heritage. He must invite more wives into his harem. Only by planting seed, will God help Republicans.”

And finally, Mr. Maliki said this about Vice President Cheney two years ago. “Vice President Cheney is our friend and a righteous man. Like Allah has offered to me, he is a man of visions that others cannot see. I will stand with him to fight the forces of darkness in our country. I will go to the Tigres River to gather fishes with this man. I will not go hunting with him.”

I am so glad we are depending on Prime Minister Maliki to bring democracy, peace and prosperity to Iraq. By the way, is the Iraqi Parliament still on vacation?