Third Base? Don Hoak!

There is a wonderful moment in the film, “City Slickers” in which Helen Slater becomes so frustrated with the Billy Crystal’s and the late Bruno Kirby’s heated discussion about baseball, she yells, “I like baseball. I just don’t memorize who played third base for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1960!” They both responded simultaneously, “Don Hoak.” As I sat watching the movie in the darkened theater, I too blurted out Don Hoak at the same time.

Yes, at one time I also was a baseball junkie just like Billy and Bruno. I prided myself on knowing all kinds of Pirate baseball trivia: the career on base percentage for Manny Sanguillian (.326), the number of home runs Bob Robertson hit in 1971 (26), or Willy Stargell’s middle name (Dornel). I have very fond memories of going to Pirate games in the 60s in old Forbes Field with my dad and sitting in right field just to watch Roberto Clemente play outfield using his patented basket catch. I used to listen the Bob Prince on my transistor radio call games on hot summer nights while lying in bed. I continued to follow the Pirates and MLB throughout the 70s and 80s. The Pirates had some decent teams and actually won the World Series in 1979. Slowly though, things started to change for the worse. The Pirate’s management could not compete with the big market teams. The Pirates traded away or lost all their young talent due to free agency. The final straw came with the 1994 strike. Over that year, I lost complete interest in the Pirates and MLB.

I confess I still watch the creeper on EPSN to see if the Pirates won or lost yesterday’s game. Living in Cincinnati, I still go to one game a year when they are in town. But my passion and love for all things baseball is pretty much gone. I don’t know anything about the team or the manager. I am sure I don’t know any of the players’ middle names!

The Pirates were in town last week. Surprisingly they took 3 out of 4 games from the Reds who are not having a very good year. Some friends and I went to a Sunday day game. The Pirates won 14 to 10. There were lots of hits, good defensive plays and 7 home runs. It should have been more fun than it was. What happened to MLB? Or am I just getting too old!

Let me offer a few insights I had as I was watching the game. First, the stadium in Cincinnati is one of the new “old” parks designed for watching baseball. The place was one large billboard for anything from Diet Pepsi to Injury Lawyers. Soon the players themselves will be offering ad space on their derrieres. Ballparks always sold ad space. I should expect it in the overheated world of commercialization of professional sports. Every empty space on any surface has some advertisement.

How can a family afford to attend a game anymore? Peanuts, a slice of pizza or an ice cream for 4 bucks? A lite beer for 6 bucks? And a microbrew for $7.50! Pretty soon we will have 60 days same as cash offers just to entice families to go. There is something wrong about a family forking out 50 bucks in refreshment costs when your left fielder, who is paid about $1,000 an out, looks like he is sleep walking on the field.

Can anyone bunt anymore? I watched two pitchers strikeout trying to bunt. They looked like they had 2X4’s in their hands as lunged at the various pitches.

I still can’t figure out why so many commentators have their undies bunched up about the steroid stuff. I know they are bad for many obvious reasons. But after the negative fall-out from the ‘94 strike, most owners looked the other way as Barry Bonds hat size exploded from 7” 1/8 to about a 10”. Baseballs leaving the park brought in patrons, ad dollars, and bigger TV ratings. Additionally, all these purists who say that steroid use contaminates baseball records are only fooling themselves. Don’t you think Ty Cobb or Babe Ruth would have used steroids if they were around back then? They would have done anything short of killing someone to extend their careers or hit more home runs. As a friend said, “They tended to use performance inhibitors, not performance enhancers.” Those players of the bygone era just didn’t have the benefits of modern pharmacology.

And finally, what’s wrong with a little quiet every once in a while? In the “olde” days I remember the organ played a few tunes between innings. Now, we are bombarded with jumbotron video games, raucous fireworks, hip-hop music and yes, even the dreaded 15-second infomercials. I almost believe those responsible for marketing baseball use all this stuff to distract fans from how bad the actual product is on the field.

I know some of you are probably mumbling this is just another of Fat Boy Tom’s rants about getting older and losing interest in something he enjoyed when he was younger. It probably is. But MLB has changed. It increasingly looks and feels more like one of those junk sports ESPN2 puts on at 8 AM Sunday morning. When sports idiot savants like me don’t know the starting line-ups for the Pirates or any MLB team, something is wrong.

Sadly, Don Hoak died of a heart attack when he was 41 while at the wheel of his car, chasing his brother-in-law's stolen car.