Abstinence in All the Wrong Places!

In a recent interview, Levi Johnson, the former boyfriend of Bristol Palin, admitted on occasion he and Bristol did not engage in safe sex. Apparently, this ultimately led to Bristol getting pregnant. Poor Levi is no longer welcome in the Palin home.

Both he and Bristol begrudgingly admitted that abstinence education was unrealistic. It didn’t work for them. A spokesperson for Governor Sarah Palin came out with a statement refuting Levi and Bristol’s earlier comments. The statement also asserted that Bristol is committed to advocating for abstinence in the future.

Our right wing friends continue to push for abstinence as the only approach in teaching young people about sex. Even though study after study rejects its efficacy in reducing underage sex. In fact, many studies find that young people who participate in abstinence-related sex education programs are more likely to engage in unprotected sex and at earlier ages.

This is a clear example of “Don’t bother me with the facts when I know I am right.” If our socially conservative friends are committed to abstinence regardless of its failings in matters related to human reproduction, I offer a few ways for them to revive abstinence as a viable policy in other areas of our political and social life.

I think we should encourage Rush Limbaugh to practice abstinence. He can no longer order a box o’ sliders at White Castle, shop around his prescriptions for hillbilly heroin, or get married. Apparently the only way he can stop his addictions to food, opiates and failed relationships are to abstain.

I think Dick Cheney needs a crash course in abstinence. For someone who was so secretive and tight lipped as the Vice President, he now finds himself with diarrhea mouth. He just can’t stop telling President Obama how much he disagrees with the new President’s policies. Perhaps Dick’s nurse can add a bit of Kaopectate to his morning daily IV drip.

Newt Gingrich has had a bout of overexposure recently. One day he complains President Obama has a “fantasy based” foreign policy. The next day he converts to Catholicism. Then he complains Obama is mounting an offensive against organized religion. And then he spouts, “Dick Cheney is clearly right in saying that between the Court decisions about terrorists and the administration actions the United States is running greater risks of getting attacked than we were under President Bush.” Frankly, applying the principles of abstinence to the Newt meister would be like asking Paris Hilton to avoid the paparazzi. It’s impossible. In Newt’s case, I offer another approach. Let’s ask the various news outlets not invite Newt on their programs more than once a day. If he can’t abstain from making an ass of himself, perhaps the news media can.

And finally, Sarah Palin needs a bit of abstinence therapy as well. For someone who touts her version of traditional family values and has asked the media not to delve into the personal life of her family, her family and values are not traditional or private. Her sister-in-law is charged with burglary. Her daughter’s boyfriend’s mother is arrested for selling methamphetamine. Sarah can’t pass up an interview opportunity on Faux News. She wants everyone to know as Governor she did not want to take the stimulus money. Alaska will now accept every nickel. This is only short list of many splendid ways Governor Palin or her crew continues to keep themselves in the limelight. I guess since the Guiding Light is now dimmed, we need a new soap opera to replace it. Again, I know Sarah, Bristol and her entourage are enamored with all things abstinence. It really comes down to our collective weaknesses. After all if we were not obsessed with the “Lives of the Palin’s,” they go about their openly hypocritical and contradictory lives without scrutiny. WE need to learn how to abstain from obsessing on them!