It is hard to imagine what the beltway pundits and right-wing attack dogs would have done if the various Democratic candidates came out with as many contradictions, lies and distortions about their political views and past histories as our seven dwarfs on the Republican side have done. Gore, Clinton and Kerry have been vilified for “waffling" or “shaving the truth.”
Let’s look at the evidence. How about Mitt Romney? (Happy). 
Mitt had an extensive record of supporting a woman’s right of choice, gay rights, and other very progressive positions as the Governator of Massachusetts. Now, Happy Romney is sucking up to the conservative legions in the Republican Party by claiming he had an epiphany over the past few years and now is a gun-toting, gay bashing, anti-abortion zealot. He now claims he loves guns and has been shooting at anything that moves for years. Unfortunately, the record shows that he never owned a hunting license and maybe just maybe he shot at a few wabbits and wodents when he was a youngster.
How about Rudy Giuliani? (Grumpy). 
Rudy, the former mayor of one the most open and liberal cities in the USA, is also running to the right wing of the Republican Party. He’s changing his political stripes from blue to red faster than a Newt Gingrich divorce! Rudy continues to support a women’s right of choice even contending that poor women have a right to federally-funded abortions! However, he was recently quoted as saying, “On the federal judiciary I would want judges who are strict constructionists because I am. I have a very, very strong view that for this country to work, for our freedoms to be protected, judges have to interpret, not invent, the Constitution.” Ladies and Gentlemen, strict constructionists are code words for conservative appointments to the federal judiciary. Additionally, a few years ago, he asserted that partial-birth abortions legislation should be overturned. Now, he supports it. He also has stated that he is a proponent of gay rights, but believes marriage is a union between a man and a woman. However, he sees no need for a constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage.
Grumpy is clearly tiptoeing through the tulips! Although he is not running away from past beliefs as fast as Joseph Smith from Boston, he clearly is talking in political code that appeases the right-wing thought police.
And John McCain? (Doc). 
Based on historical dwarf records, Doc is considered the leader of the seven dwarfs, and is presumably the oldest. John like Rudy has taken on a political juggling act that appears to be bombing in the hinterland. His 2000 campaign was heralded as the straight talk express. He was the darling of the media and a real maverick in the Republican world of political hegemony. Doc bellowed at the intolerance and xenophobia of the social conservatives in his party after losing the South Carolina primary to Bush in 2000.
Now, he is sucking up the same crowd of zealots who are preaching that the ends times are coming-Falwell, Robertson and Hagee. McCain claimed that he would both support overturning and not support overturning Roe v. Wade and, in 2005, he claimed that he agreed "to some degree" that Roe v. Wade should be overturned. McCain also issued a statement in 2006 indicating that if he were the governor of South Dakota, he "would have signed" a controversial bill outlawing all abortions except in those situations in which the life of the woman is threatened, but that he "would also take the appropriate steps under state law -- in whatever state -- to ensure that the exceptions of rape, incest or life of the mother were included. In recent interviews, McCain has changed his position on abortion more times than Bush’s justification for the Iraq War.
The other candidates, Mike Huckabee (Sleepy) 
and Duncan Hunter (Crazy), are probably less likely to waffle or obfuscate their views because no one is paying any attention to them. Mike’s best political option is to focus on health nuts. He lost a great deal of weight and is now a marathon runner.
Duncan, well Duncan is just crazy. 
Here is a brief quote from a recent interview with Crazy. “I think that we've got to do us a two-step program and the first step is to secure the border and the second step then is to...do internal enforcement. You've got 250,000 hard-core criminals - in federal, state, and local penitentiaries and jails. That means you have a large criminal element that's operating within the US committing serious crimes against Americans and their property and once we secure the border, I would make an emphasized effort to ensure that we are to round up criminal aliens and...force their deportation.” Duncan also has dirty hands related to the defense contractors’ scandal in Southern California that put the “Duke-Stir” in jail.
I am the first to acknowledge that there are Democratic candidates that are less than truthful. It really is the nature of modern political discourse. Nevertheless, the three top dwarfs on the Republican side, Happy, Grumpy and Doc, seem to be running away from their past opinions and statements faster than Rush Limbaugh uses up his prescription medications! Why haven’t any of the talking heads on Imus, Meet the Press, or Faux News focused our attention on these glaring inconsistencies? If John Kerry was a "waffler," then Mitt Romney is a bait and switch time-share condo salesman!
