Little John's Laws of Political Stuntatry

As the Presidential campaign moves ever closer to Election Day, the American voting public is getting a substantive overview of Little John's Laws of Political Stuntatry. These Political Maxims are Little John's rules for political engagement. Stunts are indicative of either a very desperate campaign or political genius. Here are a few more examples out of Little John's playbook we can anticipate in the final four weeks.

Little John will declare himself a Prisoner of War of the Eastern Establishment Elite and force himself to spend a weekend at the Plaza Hotel in NYC only ordering out of the Room Service Menu.

Governor Sarah Palin will convert to Judaism so that she doesn't have to answer questions about her past involvement with the fundamentalist church that promulgates attacks on witchcraft, spouts end of times theology or young earth beliefs.

Little John will show his toughness as a leader by arm wrestling with Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Best two out of three.

Little John will ask to delay Election Day because most Americans are not adequately prepared to vote by then. We need one more year of endless campaigning.

Little John will request that the Electoral College not count the electoral votes from California. The state is so geologically unstable that most voters are incapable of making rational decisions.

Little John will make a surprise appearance on "Dancing with the Stars" and do a waltz with Ann Coulter.

Little John will go to St. Louis and take over as Coach of the Rams, the worst football franchise in the NFL, until they win a game.

Little John will announce a moratorium on negative campaigning and immediately declare that the Barack Obama is not qualified to be President because he is a closeted Muslim.

Sarah Palin will participate in the Vice Presidential Debate but will only respond to questions with passages from the New Testament.

Little John may not know economics. He may not know much about human behavior. He definitely doesn't know anything about the internet. But Little John know the Laws of Political Stuntatry!

Change We Can Believe In!

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/john-mccain-uses-american-idol-makeup-artist

Who Said the Bible Doesn't Encourage Prosperity?

"You know Governor Palin, we do have much in common. I have a particular affinity for creating apocalypses in Southeast Asia and South America. I understand that you know what to do in their aftermath. Perhaps we can get together after this election thing is over and find some new clients."

Fearing the Other

Rove’s protégé, Steve Schmidt, commonly know as the “the Bullet”, took over the McCain with a vengeance. His special stamp is clearly on the celebrity ads linking Obama to Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. His fingerprints are over the ad touting Obama’s support for sex education for kindergartners. Remember, the goal of Republican politics is to win. And to win at any costs. Democrats have not learned this lesson yet. Democrats believe campaigns are a means to an end. They want to use politics to achieve their policy goals. Republicans see politics as the ends. Frankly, they just want to win to have control.

As Little John appears increasingly out of touch and Palinpalooza starts losing its audience, Schmidt has many more tricks up his sleeve. Here is an approximation of a future political ad created by the Bullet. I am sure you can imagine the images that he would use. The narrative will go something like this…….

“American faces many challenges. Islamofacism. A failing economy. Energy shortages. If you ask most citizens, they still have great faith in our country and are looking for leaders that truly represent American values. Someone who looks, feels and sounds like an American. Someone who loves this county and will lead us relying the true grit, faith and toughness. These are attributes of John McCain, a born leader and someone who is a full-blooded American hero.

Can we really risk turning this country over to someone that you really don’t know? I don’t think so. John McCain stands with you.“

Republicans are masters at exploiting the “fear of the other.” Obama is different. The TV spot will not overtly promulgate racism. The ad will only reinforce underlying prejudices. The future ad will walk right up to the line and will not go over it.

Trust me. They already are in pre-production.

A Bovine Love Affair

According to a recent piece in the NY Times, Gov. Sarah Palin lives by the maxim that all politics is local, not to mention personal.

So when there was a vacancy at the top of the State Division of Agriculture, she appointed a high school classmate, Franci Havemeister, to the $95,000-a-year directorship. A former real estate agent, Ms. Havemeister cited her childhood love of cows as a qualification for running the roughly $2 million agency.

Ms. Havemeister was one of at least five schoolmates Ms. Palin hired, often at salaries far exceeding their private sector wages.

Perhaps Gov. Palin would appoint me to the Alaskan Department of Fish, Wildlife and Conservation because everyone knows i love king crab legs.

Now we learn that Gov. Palin purchased a tanning bed that was installed in the Governor's Mansion. I guess its better than an iron lung that was installed in John McCain's Arizona ranch.

By the way, our local bookstore is now selling Obama and McCain action figures. If you place a miniature basketball in the Obama action figure's arms, it shoots 3 point shots. The McCain action figure just looks grumpy and gets up two or three times a night to pee.

A Cranky Old Guy Who Knows This IS is His Last and Only Chance

A recent quote from Little John in a debate with Rudy Guiliani during the Republican Primary season...

"I am prepared. I am prepared. I need no on-the-job training. I wasn't a mayor for a short period of time. I wasn't a governor for a short period of time."

Little John and his merry band of political hucksters will say anything, lie repeatedly, distort, deny, suppress voter rights, and intimidate foes to win the Presidency. If he does win and it certainly is possible, help me understand his mandate? What is his platform? He has embraced the politics of destruction and deceit. He know this is his last and only chance.

For someone who prided himself on his straight talking sense of personal integrity, Little John has flushed himself down the toilet of Rovian political hackery. He is a pathetic and increasingly sad hollow suit of political ambition.

Qualified? You Bet!

Update II: Let's help Governor Palin understand what the Bush Doctrine is not.

Don't confuse it with the Monroe Doctrine. Wikipedia reports that the Monroe doctrine was established by Marilyn Monroe after dating John and Bobby Kennedy. No more Kennedy's as boyfriends.

The Bush Doctrine can easily be confused with the Budweiser Doctrine-never drink beer owned by foreigners. Oops. I guess we now need to relabel it as the Miller Doctrine.

The Bush Doctrine has nothing to do with Dick Cheney's rules and guidelines for hunting game birds with friends in the Texas bush.

The Bush Doctrine should never be confused with the Biblical story of the burning bush. W is not Yahweh and Little John certainly isn't Moses.

If Governor Palin remembers what the Bush Doctrine is not, she will continue to do well in future press interactions.

Update I: I guess McCain has shipped Sarah back to the tundra to prepare for future interactions with the press and the Vice Presidential debate. It is reported that at least ten communication specialists are helping Sarah prepare for the news cycle debutante ball. She has to come out sometime soon.

Not surprisingly, a former aide in Alaska who had helped prepare Ms. Palin for her campaign debates told the New York Times, "...Sarah had a talent for distilling information into digestible sound bites." The aide said "she generally prefers light preparatory materials to heavy briefing books, and prefers walking through potential questions and answers with aides to holding mock sessions." Apparently context and background are not really helpful in preparing to be a Governor or a Vice President.

Here are some important tips that the communicators are helping Governor Palin with their mock Q's and A's.

-Alaska is NOT and will never be a sovereign country. It is the 49th state of the USA.

-Democrats did not ride on dinosaurs 6,000 years ago. Only Republicans like to be reminded of their ancestors Fred, Wilma, and Dino.

-It is OK to ask God to help you win a dogsled race. It isn't nice to ask him to help you build a natural gas pipeline.

-Showing off your family including your special needs son and pregnant daughter at every photo opportunity imaginable is a good thing. Just be sure to remind the press that your family is off limits.

-When campaigning with Little John, keep reminding him that the Shiites are aligned with Iran, the Sunnis with Al Qaeda, and Czechoslovakia and mimeograph machine no longer exist.

-And finally, there is a difference between earmarks and Washington pork. Earmarks are good for Alaska and Washington pork is wasteful spending.

With these few but important tips, I am confident that Governor Palin will do fine interacting with the press.

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Recently, there have been some questions raised regarding whether Governor Palin is really qualified for the Vice Presidency of the United States. Questions regarding lying on key issues, billing Alaska for family expenses, and how could she actually complete a bachelor’s degree in 6 years from 6 different colleges?

Well, those are important issues that will be properly answered by the sure-footed spinmeisters from the McCain campaign. What I want to do is to assure the American voter that Sarah Palin is able to deal with foreign policy issues on Day One as the Vice President. Here are the ten reasons why she is ready.

1. Sarah is skilled at combating islamofascism because she still calls french fries freedom fries.
2. When given a map of the world, she can accurately pick out 5 of the 7 continents. She still confuses South America with Africa. Don't we all!
3. She doesn’t need to apply for a passport to visit countries outside of Alaska. She got one in 2004.
4. Governor Palin watches Fox News.
5. Although as Governor she has no authority over the Alaskan National Guard, she does send members Christmas Cards.
6. As an avid hunter Ms. Palin knows how to dress a moose. These skills could come in very handy when interrogating alleged terrorists.
7. As a fundamentalist Christian and a Creationist, she is certainly qualified to pick out the Anti-Christ among the USA’s many enemies or friends.
8. As Governor of Alaska, she fired hear personal chef because he served tabouli and baba ganoush as an appetizer.
9. She ordered both of Lynne Cheney’s novels as books on tape.
10. Although she only stopped in Ireland for refueling on her way to Kuwait, she did visit the Duty Free Shop and bought some cheap vodka for her husband.